Craig answered truthfully, saying that ego was important, but that Ellroy, Crumely, and Papa had all burned some serious bridges and ended more than a few life long friendships because of their raging egos. I nodded and agreed, but I couldn’t help but think, yeah, these writers, these madmen, they burned bridges and I got the feeling that, ultimately, they lived very lonely lives.
But…..
But, I couldn’t help but think that maybe it was the overwhelming confidence in their abilities was the reason why they produced such indelible works of genius? That without their egos they wouldn’t have become legendary figures in American letters? I also thought maybe a few burned bridges might be worth the accolades.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to all of a sudden start turning on the few friends and allies I’ve managed to cultivate in publishing in order to create legends. That’s just not me, because like most folks who write crime fiction, I’m a pretty decent guy. (or I try to be, but I’m sure there are more than a few people out there who think I’m an asshole.)
I will say this, though, I do think a certain amount of ego is absolutely necessary in the act of writing and for some reason or other, our chosen genre seems to be completely lacking in it.
I’ll cite a couple of examples that I’ve run across recently.
First was a blog post that ran over at Do Some Damage a few weeks back written by Jay Stringer. (Check out the post right HERE in case you missed it and Jay does spend the majority of the post tooting his own horn, which I was proud to read) In the post Jay mentioned that anytime the subject of him being a writer came up, he would skirt the subject and move onto another subject of conversation. Novelist Eric Beetner said much the same thing in his recent self interview over at Nigel Bird’s slice of the interweb.
Now I’m not trying to pick on Jay and Beetner. Both of them are extremely talented writers and they should both be proud of what they’ve accomplished (and it’s a lot, peoples.) but for one reason or another, they’re reluctant to sing their own praises, or even admit that they spend their meager free time making shit up about criminals and trying to have it published. And Beetner and Jay aren’t the only ones, folks. How many of you in the crime writing community avoid the subject of their efforts in social situations? I know I used to. Anytime the subject would come up at a party or dinner with friends, I would simply shrug my shoulders, politely smile, and start talking about my “real” job, which, folks, is just as boring to talk about as my far more satisfying after hours activities.
I say used to, because as of late, I’ve been considering myself a writer more than I have a wage slave. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not disrespecting my day job. I need my day job, it pays the mortgage, it buys the groceries, it provides the medical benefits, but is it who I am? Is my day job what defines me as a human being?
The answer, of course, is no, but neither does being a writer.
My upbringing, my experiences, my family is what determines who I am, but a big part of who I am is being a writer and all of the things I just mentioned have defined my growth as a writer.
So, when I’m now in those situations where what I do becomes the subject of conversation I say:
I’m a writer.
No, I haven’t published a novel (yet) but I have written and published a hundred short stories, reviews, columns, and interviews in the past three years. (And that’s not counting this miserable excuse of a blog.) I say that I write for two different websites. I say that I co-publish one of the best known crime fiction publications going. (You should know by now that I’ll never miss the opportunity to pimp ye ole Crimefactory.)
And, yes, I say it all with a straight face and with a certain amount of the all dreaded ego.
Anyway, folks, that’s enough of my blather for one night.
But one last thing, the grand pulp guru Anthony Neil Smith dropped the newest issue of Plots with Guns today and it’s a headbanger of an issue, so make sure to check it out right HERE
Damn straight, Keith. Call it ego, call it self-confidence, call it whatever the fuck you want, but if you don't think you can pull it off, then the writing thing is too fraught with rejection to endure. I wasted twenty-five years when I should have been writing fiction writing everything but because the getting-a-novel-published thing seemed like wanting to pitch for the Cubs (actually,given the Cubs historical performance, it seemed harder). Then I finally wrote a damn novel and, hey, guess what? I got an agent pretty much right off. So when I talk to people now, I go ahead an say yeah, I'm a writer. And if get any of those patronizing comments, I let them know how many people that try to get agents actually do. OK, I don't have a publisher yet, but I will. It's just how I have to think, otherwise, what the hell is the point?
ReplyDeleteKeith, to really go through what writers must go through, if there's not external confidence, there's got to be some sort of belief that this is what we're meant to be doing - published or getting there.
ReplyDeleteEven though we sometimes (often) doubt if we're writing anything good - I think deep down somewhere in every writer that doesn't give up - there's an unwavering belief that writing is the path for you in this life - no matter what anyone says.
Call it belief, call it delusion - whatever gets you riding the waves.
Jessie Mac
www.jessiemac.com
It's one thing to have an ego when you've proven yourself like Hemmingway, Ellroy, and Crumley, they've earned the ego. I think ego, or maybe better said, belief in yourself, comes with doing the writing story after story and getting it out there for the readers.
ReplyDeleteThere's a fine line between having confidence in your ability to write a great story and believing that you are a great writer.
For me, I prefer that readers see the story, not me, or my ability to put words on the page. But then, I have no ego at all - that bubble was burst years ago.
I think there's something, Keith, about having an ego as opposed to having an inflated ego. The writers you mention have every right to have self-belief coming out their arses because they are brilliant. I think that's different from having an ego the size of the moon and a talent so small it's not even worth making up a humourous similie for. Interesting, though, the egos of both Hemmingway and Ellroy seem(ed) incapable of dealing with the realities of life, relationships, etc. but turn(ed) out book after book of pure genius. When writing becomes the only form of expression, the only thing that makes sense, does it precipitate a necessary withdrawal from the real world? Blimey, that's a bit deep. Think I need a coffee.
ReplyDeleteInteresting post Keith.
ReplyDeleteBut believe me, a lack of ego is not a problem i suffer from. I think there are a lot of people who could do with a little less of my ego ;)
I'm happy to tell people i'm a writer, and i almost always introduce myself that way. I'm happy to show people where they can read my stuff, or to put copies of my work in their hands, but it's all about my work. I have no interest in selling myself.
I'm not interested in talking ABOUT my writing, doing that feels redundant to me. Much like the often used Elvis Costello quote, "talking about music is like dancing about architecture." In completing a story i've already said my piece, and it's the story i want people to engage with, not my ego.
I attempt to do that sort of thing from time to time, and i'll need to do more of it when my book sells, but it's not who i am.
I too love Ellroy. I attended a reading of his last year with Russel D McLean, and it was a brilliant experience. But i don't want to be that guy.
I never say I am a writer. Sometimes my husband does and I am always embarrassed. At this point, I am not sure what would make me identify myself as such--it maybe not exist. I'm not interested in talking about it to people I know in real life either. Their definition of writer is just too narrow to include me.
ReplyDeleteI may as well duplicate Patti's post pretty much. I never, ever say I'm a writer. ever. I suck at self-promotion, I cringe at the amount of shameless self-pimping so many people do. I understand it (hell, I occaisonally attempt it), but I find it an embarrassment. I am proud of some of my output and I am proud, especially, with the way CF has mutated into a BEAST in the 12 months since you and I first chatted about bringing it back. But to announce at a dinner party that I am a "writer" or a "publisher" is to me a ludicrous notion, particularly here in Aus, where online is still conisdered the HEIGHT of vanity press.
ReplyDeleteYou know, Cam, it's such a conflict of cultures. In the States, because so many people recieve their information online, the whole online vs. print debate is pretty much nonexistent. (In my eyes print is much cooler, but online is far more available to a much wider audience.) And I'll agree with you about authors who over pimp their material. Some times too much is just too much.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's not like I'm standing on top the dinner table announcing to a room of fifty people, I'm a writer, fear my POWER!!
I only talk about it if the dreaded conversational fall back question: So what do you do? comes into play
It is...I agree completely. We here are behind the times (mostly due to a much smaller marketplace, so much less demand). I wasn't ranting at you either, more these are things that I've been thinking about myself of late, as a result of going to the Text Publishing party and the Neds and such and really not enjoying it. hahaha. I dunno.
ReplyDeleteI had a writing professor bring this up in class once, and here's what I got out of it. He said that what is often construed as ego in a writer is really more of a symptom of something else a little more complicated than all that. In order to effectively communicate emotion and character, a writer has to have a heightened sensitivity to the human experience. Basically, one has to have a pretty thin skin in order to shed it and try on others. So, unlike your average joe, whose experiences through life will harden and wizen him to the ways of the world, the writer(/poet/musician/playwright/ad infinitum) will more or less sacrifice him/herself at the altar of self-awareness. Unfortunately, this can lead to neuroses and complexes that will keep any psychoanalyst rolling in it for decades to come. But it shouldn't be inferred as simply ego unbound. Hell, if anything, we should be pitied by constantly taking one for the team like we're goddamn Rudi Stein.
ReplyDeleteI don't often talk about my writing or being a writer in casual social situations, but I'm less shy about it than I used to be. Also, I'm still kinda superstitious and don't like to "jinx" stuff I haven't finished yet by talking about it. Also also, really (and not to sound modest or something), people don't really give a shit, on a whole. Every now and again, when something I'm really proud of goes up on-line, I might show it somebody at work--Hey, lookit what I did!--and while they'll be polite, their apathy is almost palpable.
All told, I do my best to keep my ego in check, just because I have a way of over-inflating it, which just makes me embarassed later when I think about it.
Thanks for writing this. Also the comments are fascinating. I need to spend some time thinking about this!
ReplyDeleteI think ego is the worst handicap a writer can have. I think it destroys more artists than drugs and alcohol combined.
ReplyDelete